You're better than that!

http://kateharding.net/2009/10/14/have-you-tried-not-being-so-sexy/

The above is a link to a fantastic article that makes stellar points all around. The last paragraph however, stood out to me in particular because it summed up one of my biggest frustrations with sexism (aside from it's destructive input on all facets of a woman's being) that often seems to be left out of the discussion: sexism's destruction and underestimation of men.

Here is what was written:

"...If the well-being of women isn’t enough for you, consider this: patriarchy thinks you’re fucking stupid. It thinks you’re a penis without a brain that’s worthwhile and powerful only because women are vaginas without brains and that’s somehow worse. It thinks you’re untrustworthy, that you can’t be left alone with a woman, that you can’t be left alone with a child. Feminists didn’t make that shit up — they’re just noting it and passing it on. You can decide what you want to do about it — but don’t think you can pick and choose which of patriarchy’s mandates apply to you. This is a package deal, my friend. If women’s worth is only in fuckability, then men are just dumb fuckers. We think better of men. Do you?"

To be a "real man" in our society, a man is essentially expected to be a broken human being. "Real men" aren't affected by loss or trauma, they are not supposed to have access to any portion of their emotional being outside of anger and...anger, they are expected to shrug off disappointment with a "whatever, I don't care", to be loyal or honest is to be pussy whipped, they don't reflect, they look out for "number one" first, they don't risk vulnerability to believe in or hope for something, and empathy is written off as illogical and foolish. If you are a guy that breaks these rules, what are you? Oh that's right, you're a fag, aren't you?

I had never really thought about the destructive forces that sexism places on men, until a couple of years ago when I was listening to a news report about PTSD and the lack of psychiatric care for war veterans coming back from active duty. The interviewer spoke to several soldiers about how they had been coping with the trauma of seeing the battlefield since they have been back. Many of the soldiers noted that they had not been coping very well at all. One man reported that his wife left him after waking up to him choking her several time in the night while he slept. When the interviewer asked a commanding officer what he thought about the lack of psychiatric care for soldiers coming home from active duty, the officer shrugged and said, "Well, it's war. Those men are just gonna have to suck it up and be a man."

I get it. The humans that are best at killing their natural desire and inclination to think critically, reflect, empathize, and feel are going to makes the best soldiers - human weapons. I also realize that until we can all sing Love One Another together while holding hands, war is going to have to stick. I also understand why this concept of "being a man" matches the qualities of a good soldier from a sociological standpoint. But knowing all this doesn't stop the fact that message of "manning up" is broken and wrong, and it breaks my heart. There is something terribly wrong with any ideology that preaches and glorifies a broken person - A person that is divorced from the key facets of our being that make us unique and human.

So because of sociological evolution, and a solid patriarchal system that fine tunes and enforces it, men - all men, not just soldiers - are programmed to believe that to be a real man - a real man that a woman would want to fuck, and another man would respect you for (cuz those are the things you should desire if you are a man) - you don't get to be a whole human: physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, mental, relational...

Only women get to be whole humans in this society - but they are disrespected for it. Although it is expected and acceptable for a women for feel loss and grieve (hysterical woman, anyone?), she is not to be trusted as rational and is subsequently weak. If a man grieves, it's because he is a fag or too womanly, not because he is human.

In the end, we all lose under the sexist paradigm. Turns out, we don't have to be limited by the bullshit understandings of what it is to be a man or a woman. We're humans, and that's better.