I want to have sex with you!

I was recently reading a posting from the blog, The American Virgin, where I read this excerpt from the book, The Lolita Effect: The media sexualization of young girls and what you can do about it:


"Girls have had to walk that line for quite a while now, where the emphasis is on being sexually desirable but immediately being condemned if they actually act on their desire.

Girls are expected not to have desires of their own. This has been a problem for girls and women all along: They have not been allowed to express their own interest in sex or express their own desires or seek their own pleasure for quite a long time. … It's a terrible mixed message, and it's almost impossible to achieve it -- to walk around projecting desirability but to never be able to act on it, never be allowed to engage in it.

One of the other problems is that because of this idea, girls aren't given good information about actual sexual activity. They are not given information to make them understand the risks and responsibilities, how to be in control, protect themselves against STDs, unintended pregnancies -- that's missing from the way they understand sex."


I was so happy to come across this little nugget of articulated truth. The points expressed are very personal to me, and over the past few weeks I have been thinking about and wrestling with many of the points brought up in this excerpt to a much greater extent than I normally do.

Like the majority of American (I am going to qualify here and say Christian girls, but I don't want to say that to the exclusion of anyone else) girls, I was taught the shit smear that is this website:

http://www.cblpi.org/senseandsexuality/

As a result, I have had to wade through and struggle, tooth and nail to get to a place where my sexuality is my own.

Oh no! What scary feminist beast has possessed Alana!?

Disclaimer:
Speaking from the context in which I was raised, a woman stating that she has "claimed her sexuality," is just a politically correct way of saying "I am a skank, looking for a dressed up excuse to be promiscuous." Please note, when I say that I advocate for woman to own her sexuality, I am not advocating for her to becoming the next Whore of Babylon. Let me explain.

When I say that I have fought to come to a place where "my sexuality is my own," I am saying that I feel connected, comfortable, and exhilarated by my sexual being; that my sexuality is a part of and a product of my person. Like my emotions, thoughts, spirit and other facets of my being, my sexuality is a reflection of me, obviously influenced by outside forces, but ultimately something deliberately shaped by me. This may seem like I am beating to death a horse of an obvious color, but I was not, and I would venture to say that the majority of women in America are not raised in nor do they live in as adults, environments that encourage or facilitate female sexuality that is put forward, but rather a sexuality that is in response to an outside force - namely a male's sexuality and forces like the ones described in the above excerpt. We'll come back to this last bit in just a moment, but first, let's take a look at what I and most other Christian girls were taught to think about their sexuality.

In my household and more importantly, in the context of daily Focus on the Family programming, my sexuality was, like the scenario described in the above excerpt, a schizophrenic dance on a blurry line of contradiction. When it came to sex, my parents' voices were pretty much aligned with Dobson's Evangelical Christian views of sex; both with their views of sex in general and sex and women in particular. The schism between my parents and Dobson came in the world view department. The voice of Dobson and the church taught me that there is Truth and it looks like x, y, and z; and if does not look like that, then it isn't true (including Godly sexuality).
If you were to ask them, my parents would probably tell you they agree what point x, y, and z argued by Dobson, but what they said to me and what they lived, often said two different things. I was taught by my parents' actions (not speaking for my siblings in any of this) that life and truth are complex, so think, question and understand why and what you think and believe, because no one has the exclusive handle on truth. My parents did everything they could to give me the tools I needed to develop my own set of critical thinking skills, thoughts and sense of self and identity (Thank you, parents!). Subsequently, my parents also encouraged me to think about and to choose who I wanted to be. Although I was not usually asked what I thought on a matter, I was often asked what I wanted and encouraged to go for that. When I told my parents that I wanted to leave NY and go away for college, they said that's great, go do that. When I told them that I wanted to study history, they said that's great, go do that. When I told them I bought a ticket to CA, they said that's great, go with our blessing. In almost all that I have chosen to do and become since I was a kid (excluding the obvious stupid shit that kids want to do), I have felt the empowering support of my parents saying, you can do this, and we trust that you are capable of choosing wisely. All in all, I can easily say that in regards to my mental, spiritual, physical, and for the most part, my emotional well being, I could not have asked for better parents. Unfortunately, the sexuality ball was dropped pretty hard. Not only was I never asked about or encouraged to think about what I wanted sexually, but it was clear that that line of thinking was to be discouraged. I don't really blame my parents for that one too much. I mostly blame the context of the certain breed of Christianity I was raised in (not the Christian faith). And it is from that context that I had to start from in the red to get to a healthy sexuality.

On one hand, I was told that sex in the context of marriage was beautiful, Godly and meant to be enjoyed and celebrated as a blessing by both man and woman - not just a means of procreation or a system of social stability built on the family unit. Both my mom and my dad were for the most part comfortable with talking about or at least acknowledging the existence of sex and sexuality in the context of marriage. On the other hand, any kind of sexuality outside that one good context was either evil or it should just be ignored as though it did not exist at all. This take on sex presents a few problems: Problem #1: kids usually go through puberty and become sexual beings before they get married. Marriage is not the on and off switch for sexuality.
Problem #2: Couples are usually in some sort of dating relationship before they get married (where sex is OK!). If marriage is the only acceptable context for sex and sexual self-expression, is it possible and healthy for a couple to go from a completely non-sexual relationship one day, to a sexual one the day after the wedding? (Side note, how pathetic and traumatizing is the argument that you have your whole life together to get in sync sexually? I fucking hate that argument because it ignores the reality that going from 0 mph to 60 mph with anything in life is really fucking traumatic)

These two questions raise a plethora (Three Amigos) of subsequent problems, and raises even more questions that don't seem to have any (healthy or realistic) answers if you stay in this framework. Questions such as: What do you do with sexual drive and urges if you are not married? What do you do with sexual urges and turn-ons if you are married and your spouse wants nothing to do with them, or sex for that matter? What do spouses do if they are not sexually compatible? How can you learn to be comfortable with your sexual desires if you are not married and there are no acceptable outlets for your sexuality outside marriage? As a woman, what is "Godly sexuality" and why is it talked about differently than male sexuality? If it is in the context of marriage, is all sexual activity Godly, and if not, why so?

Now, neither my parents nor James Dobson ever overtly declared that a person is to be essentially asexual until they are married, but alternative realities where that wasn't the case didn't seem to fly either. What ended up happening was (especially from my mom) marriage was talked about to me in terms of glorious bliss, and all forms of sexuality or sexual acts before (with the assumption being, I will of course want to get married - to a man) or outside of marriage was talked about in terms of being bad, destructive or ideally non-existent. So what the fuck are you supposed to do if you are a 13 year old, not married (thank you child marriage laws), horny, sexually charged, girl? I ask you, what?!?! Answer: turn into a sexually retarded adult, develop mutated, guilt ridden sexual outlets, or find yourself where I was - utterly conflicted, and in contradiction with myself and because of that, vulnerable.

As is taught in that piece of shit website I mentioned before (http://www.cblpi.org/senseandsexuality/), I was told that as a female, I am a delicate flower, meant to remain a pure sexual slate for my husband and if I am not able to offer myself to him as a gift, I would miss out on true intimacy and sexual fulfillment. Oh, and if I was not a virgin, he would never be able to love me the way he could had I been a virgin. I was also told that if I did explore my sexuality outside the sanctity of marriage, I would always feel guilty, dirty and I would never know the sweet, innocence of exploring sexuality together with my husband (nothing wrong with only wanting sex with only your spouse - my problem is that the message claims that anything other than that is not good, and those sluts are only fooling themselves.) - Oh, and I would get pregnant or cervical cancer and die (which is why contraceptives and HPV vaccines are evil).

Before moving on, there are two points that I have to clarify here:


One: I am in no way down talking intimacy here. Intimacy is awesome, but the problem with the version of intimacy that I was taught was that it is supposed to be a pure, emotional and spiritual experience (which is great) to the near exclusion of physical, shared pleasure. Intimacy can include it all here, fellas - one element does not have to be to the exclusion of another. Ideally, sex is simultaneously physically and metaphysically fulfilling. (Sex and intimacy is great, but let's not get too carnal here! Don’t forget to leave room for the Hold Spirit!)


Two: I believe that before you can present yourself as someone able to be in a committed, healthy, long-term, romantic relationship, you have to first be a whole person. I am not saying you have to have reached Nirvana here, I am just saying you should be a person that is for the most part, a fairly balanced human being. By balanced I mean that you have invested (somewhat equally) in yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally and yes, sexually. You know yourself enough to be able to allow someone else to know you. Essentially, you are comfortable with yourself enough that you don't have to be in a relationship, but you can choose to be in one. If you are not emotionally stable on your own, you are not going to have an emotionally stable relationship...and so on - you get the idea. My point being, I don't see how you are able to explore sexuality as a couple if you do not first know who you are as a sexual individual. This is what always bothered my about the Dobsons of the world that kept telling me that bringing sexual understanding and experience to a relationship was inherently detrimental - that I would have junk "crowding my marital bed". I bring my communication and relating experience to a relationship, and it almost always makes things better, why would sexual communication be different (that's what sex is, right?)? And I am not even saying here that you need sexual experience with another person (although that is not to be excluded either), I am just saying you need to first know yourself sexually on your own, before you are even in a position to explore what your sexuality can look like with a partner. This brings me back to my initial question - how can you know yourself sexually, if it is not even acknowledge that you are a sexual being? (And yes, you are a sexual being outside of marriage - even outside the context of someone else)
(P.S. on a technical and realistic level, it's kind of ridiculous to expect a partner to know what you need to get off if you don't even know yourself. And why is it that Christian communities are so squeamish about (Christian) girls masturbating, when even Dobson allows for a reality were boys do? Oh right, because women aren't sexually charged on their own accord, they are only sexual beings in the light a male's sexuality. We're pure flowers and it's those boys that are dirty!)

Good question. My inability to answer this question was the foundation of some very shitty, sexual years.

The problem with being a delicate flower and clean sexual slate was that fact that I couldn't want things sexually. I was supposed to only want things with my husband and I had not met him yet, so my sexual desires and fantasies were just called lust, and that had to be wiped away by the blood of Jesus. Well, I could and I did have sexual wants as a kid/adult, no matter how much I prayed. Since there was no room to ask myself "what turns me on?" or "what do I want sexually?" in a guilt-free, healthy way that allows for examination and critique, I found myself taking cues from men who did know what they wanted (Boys get to own their sexuality from a young age, to the point where they are expected to and encouraged to know what they (should) want from puberty, on. They also have pop culture, which acts as one big cue card for them, even if it is at times to their disadvantage). As it turns out, a man you have some form of sexual interaction with (kissing, hand-holding, intercourse...), has no way of knowing what you actually want unless it is communicated - all he can know, is what he wants. It also turns out that what you want and what he wants, may not be the same things. In a good sexual relationship, both parties make it their responsibility to find out what their partner wants. Questions like "what do you want?" and "I like this, is this something you like?" are good places to start. The problem is, I never felt comfortable honestly asking myself what I wanted because to do that, I would have had to look at my sexuality – the existence of which, was not really acceptable. Having never asked myself, "Alana, what do I want sexually, and what am I ready for and comfortable with?", I was also not equipped with the knowledge of what I did not want. Subsequently, I was severely stunted in regards to speaking up for myself and communicating confidently and effectively what I wanted sexually and what I did not want. As a result of my lack of sexual self-awareness, I blindly walked into a situation where the first dick I ever had in my mouth was forced there. It is true that this guy was an abusive asshole and it was not my fault that he assaulted me, but I am also aware that if I had been equipped with even a minor set of skills for sexual situations, I would not have been in that situation in the first place.


Let's back up for second.


In High School I was able get around acknowledging, developing and owning my sexuality's existence by playing the "pure card." Note, the pure card is fucked up for everyone involved. I was applauded for not "doing" anything sexually, and at the same time, I was in no way criticized for overplaying my sexuality under the guise of being innocently naive and unaware of my affects on men. In acting this way, I perpetuated a shitty, shitty reality. A reality where women are oblivious to sex and males' sexual attraction, because "oh no! I am so pure, I don't even think about sex because I am not married!" and "You boys! You're so dirty! I wasn't sucking that Popsicle in a way to make you think about getting your dick sucked! How dare you!" This bullshit, where women are passive, with no desires of their own, and men are not demanded to ask what a woman wants and is comfortable with, because they are led by society and women like the me of high school to believe that we don't have wants of our own in the first place. Subsequently, I never developed a sexual voice to plainly communicate what I wanted from an interaction with a man, nor did I learn the difference between a man that wants to find out what you want sexually and a man that doesn't give a shit. I also developed some pretty selfish tendencies to be a cock tease. I found a lot of sexual pleasure (enough to get me through not acting on desires) and (unhealthy) power in flaunting my "non-existent" sexuality all over a guy until I knew he wanted to fuck me, and then I threw down the "pure card" and reminded him that nothing was going to happen ("you pig!"). (I do recognize that I am confirming a really unfortunate stereotype here, but it could have something to do with the fact that I was raised in an environment that encouraged the fulfillment of stereotypical gender roles and sexuality - "Women don't say what they mean or what they really want!" and "Women are teases, they're just asking for us men to keep going when she says 'stop'." Madonna/whore anyone? )



So I successfully remained "sexually pure" through high school, which is to say, I was totally inexperienced and naive when it came to acting on my sexuality, but by the time I left for college, I knew full well how to make I guy want me sexually. Awesome, let's encourage behavior that attracts high stakes interactions, but provide absolutely no critical thinking or coping skills that would help someone actually navigate themselves through those interactions (like education beyond abstinence only education, perhaps?). Congratulations on a great fucking plan.


In college, I played a lot of the Christian prancing dance, better known as the Jean Jive. For all of you out there that didn't have the chance to play, the Jean Jive is there for you when you still don't admit to being a sexual being so you are not going to actually think things through, but because you are a sexual being regardless of what you tell yourself (or try to pray away), you pair up with someone you are attracted to, and Jean Jive your way up to "The Line." The Line, you ask? Yes, The Line.


Now, The Line is a tricky matter. For most Christian kids, The Line is found in high school, but for those of us who were steadfast like me, The Line is then usually found in college. And it's often different depending on who you are talking to, but I would say that in general, Jean Jiving with someone up to The Line means that you kissed, made out (sometimes naked) and performed oral sex on your partner (although, I knew more girls that gave blow jobs but would not allow a guy to go do down on them - a fucked up after shock to being taught that you should not want physical pleasure and if you do, you're dirty - but a guy is of course not dirty for wanting his dick sucked. Of course!). This way, you could satiate sexual desires (enough), while staying "pure," because you still have your V-card, thus you are still a go on "saving" yourself for your husband.


Now, I need to clarify here and note that I am in no way dogging on remaining a virgin until you are married (I know plenty of people that I deeply respect on all levels that waited and have great sex lives), what I do have a problem with is this arbitrary purity line that is not even consistent with the "wait to explore and discover your sexuality with your husband" bit, but is the obvious, mutated, bi-product of the sexual denial necessary for most attempting to reach that goal. There is nothing wrong with wanting to make the sexual bond you have with your spouse special by denying yourself sexual experience with others, but I learned from very personal experience that there can be something very damaging and deeply wrong with forcing an entire facet of your being to remain stunted so that you can achieve that goal. And for the record I am also a firm believer that something is special because you make it special by giving it an exclusive weight, level of expectations, and personal investment, not because you have no other experience with something similar.

Moving on.

So college kept happening, and I kept acting on conflicting impulses that led me further and further away from my sexuality being a part of me - that me that I identified with, invested in and was proud of.

Instead of forming healthy relating skills, I became something of a Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde in college by developing far too emotionally intimate friendships with men (who were often in other relationships) where proper boundaries were null and void (fell in love with one of them). In addition, I then had "make out and more friends" for whom I didn't even like or give a shit about. Looking back, I am so ashamed of the friendships I had with the several guys that were so, so inappropriate. And when people would raise and eyebrow and ask "what are you guys about?” I would balk and laugh at such a "ridiculous" questions. Of course there is nothing going on, we are just friends! "Just friends," didn't you know. With these men, I invested my "whole" self into them -my public self, my thoughts, my person, my support...you know, the kind of investment you should have for say, a boyfriend? Although this was really messed up, I did not see the need to be investing in men that I could also be investing in sexually, why would I? And a result, there grew to be a sharp disconnect that just kept getting bigger between my self-acknowledged person and my sexuality.
The guys that I met at bars, parties and the houses of men who called at 1am to just say, "hey what you are doing right now, wanna come over?" were the guys that I responded to and appreciated on a purely physical level. These men were assholes on many levels, but at the same time, I didn't care how they acted because I had no expectations for them to begin with. I already disrespected them because of their association with my sexuality (which is of course inherently evil because I am not married). This is also why I didn't have any trouble sprinting to The Line with them in the first place. No judgment from the judged. The fact that the men I "hooked up with" (hooked with up by Christian standards) were often assholes is precisely why I also found myself in situations where I was way out of me league, and vulnerable. Hence, the first dick in my mouth.

This little set up I had with my sexuality lasted much longer than it should have. Looking back, it is easy to see why I didn't claim the kind of sexuality I really wanted until just after college:

A) Although I no longer bought most of what I was taught about sexual morality by junior/senior year, I was not ready to begin the process of claiming my sexuality and acting upon it; because it was clear I had some other issues that had priority for getting worked out. P.S. - therapy helps!

B) It can be very convenient to have sexual outlets with out any hassle - (AKA, NSA). Also, as was consistent with high school, I took a lot of manipulative pleasure in the power I found in being a cock tease - I sprinted to The Line...but oh no, not for you! What! You thought we were going there? What kind of fucking prick are you?!

C) As I would come to discover later in a more overt light, I didn't exactly have vanilla impulses. I never had, and I had always known it, so claiming sexuality that was a reflection of me would be claiming a sexuality that was "darker" than most peoples' I knew, and I was just not ready to honestly look at and own the things I knew I wanted. Truth is, I was trying to figure my shit out and sex was just too big of an issue to deal with at that time in my life. Given the weight of sex in my upbringing, I knew that tackling my issues and perceptions and hang ups with all things sexual had to wait until I could get some distance. Despite Calvin's liberal leanings when it came to social issues, its sexual climate was quite consistent with the environment I was brought up in.

D) Piggy backing point C), but quite possibly the most important reason I didn't evolve out of a split state of being sooner, was the fact that I did not want to let go of the "ideal" I grew up believing to be the best. Even though I didn't really buy it in my gut, I wanted to. The notions of sexual "purity" sounded so nice for so many reasons (The same reasons you love Cinderella stories as a kid), but more importantly, it was a sticking point, a non-negotiable for the faith I knew I didn't want to discard. I wanted to be someone that fit into the sexuality box of a "Godly woman" so badly, but the fact was that wasn't me. It was never me. And I knew I didn't want it to be me - I just knew that I wanted to want it. While in my wonderful Calvin community, surrounded by amazing, strong, intelligent, Christian women that seemed to fit so nicely into "Godly sexuality", I wanted to be that too - and thought if I just "gave it to God" enough, I would stop these crazy sprints to The Line late at night, and meet some wonderful, vanilla, "man of God" and have intimate, spiritual, love-making sex once we got married. Fortunately, that didn't happen, and even more fortunately, I found out that I didn't have to choose between faith and loving intimacy and the kind of honest sexuality I knew I always wanted.*

*I understand that there are many good points of contention with that last sentence from a Christian standpoint, I am not however, going to dive into debates on moral relativism here, nor disputes over what it is to be a Christian.

When I moved to CA after college, I set out to create a sexually neutral environment, in which I could sit back and figure out what the fuck I thought and wanted. I didn't really talk to people who thought one way or another about sex - I didn't want the influence; I had had plenty of that my whole life. I just needed to be able to ask myself questions and not be afraid to answer honestly. Fortunately, I had already worked through the vast majority of my "issues" during college and I didn't have any friends when I first got to CA to distract me with fun reindeer games, so I had not much holding me back from getting down and dirty with my thoughts. So that's what I did, I thought a lot - and smoked a shit load of cigarettes on the curb outside my apartment.

Here's where I am now.

I love sex - a lot. Not of Samantha Jones proportions where sex dominates life. No, sex has an important but balanced role in my life these days. My sexuality has taken a comfortable seat next to the books I read, the truths I wrestle with, my relationships, my work, my joys, my pains, my faith and my spirit. My sexuality is a part of me - a part of the skin I am finally comfortable in (although that comfort is an evolving work in progress that adapts to a changing me). No longer do I attempt to walk that line between wanting to display my sexuality but not feeling able to act on it or the freedom to have wants. I don't have to. I know what I want and what I like. I also know how to communicate both wants and dislikes to the boyfriend and expect him to listen. For the record, the boyfriend is the shit, and it is because of him that I had such ease in taking some crucial steps of growth in figuring out what I wanted my sexuality to actually look like and play out. With him, and my recently owned sexuality, openness, communication, trust, intimacy and fun have been easy to find. No, we are not married, and technically I am "living in sin," but as it turns out, I will take that fact any day over feeling disjointed, frustrated, guilty, broken and scared when it comes to my sexuality for the sake of being "pure" (What does that mean again? Oh, right, it doesn't really mean anything if you are actually concerned with what teachings look like). I like healthy, it feels good. Good enough to be at peace with the "delusional lies we tell ourselves to justify sin" - or, if you are a bit more traditional, "open rebellion." (Again, this is not the place for manifestations of Christianity and faith). I am not saying there is anything wrong with anyone adhering to a Focus on the Family sexuality, especially if that version of sexuality is appropriate (I recognize the inherent moral relativism here, and the influence of the “wishy-washy, terror-of-tolerance propaganda” that I have clearly “fallen” for) for them, but as it turns out, trying to fit into that sexuality made me ooze out mutated, and I'm sure that I am not the only one.