The Future Present

Although I have never gone to war, the month before I moved to San Diego felt as though it was the last month I was going to live. I'm clearly over dramatic here, but the reality is, the level of significance a person places onto an event, person or thing is relative to the life experiences of that person. Moving to a new city for someone who has say, survived Auschwitz, is just not big of a deal. I however, did not survive Auschwitz, so my move to San Diego, was a big fucking deal. That being said, I knew that the move to San Diego was going to be horrible. I was going to be lonely, stressed, anxious and depressed. And even though that's is the inevitable anytime you do something scary by yourself, that knowledge does not change the reality that you feel like shit. That knowledge therefore, also brought into relief all the more clearly just how precious that month of July in 2006 was to me then and would be forever more. July was the end. The end and the climax of a world I could not fathom letting go of.
I had moved to Grand Rapids, MI temporarily crippled, January 2, 2002 to attend Calvin College. Over the course of the next five years, that odd, bubble-like town that is full of Dutch, Calvinists became the incubator of my adult self - and not only my adult self, but the version of myself that I really like.
Now, many people recognize the weight and significance of something, someone or an event upon reflection after the fact. Given my relationship with memory and the act of remembrance, I don't work like this. While in the moment, even while some significant event that appears to be insignificant is still happening, I can not help but be fully aware of how significant it is and how I need to be taking it in very consciously so that I remember everything in the future. Sounds like it could be a cool ability, but the truth is, my inability to just experience something as it is happening; to just enjoy a cool moment for what it is, makes it so that I am constantly living in the future, obsessed with and preoccupied with the past, which is in reality, the present.
The month of July is a perfect example of that annoying trait. That July was significant, it was special, it was the end of a golden time that would never be lived again and it was a month of willing myself to let go. But because I was so aware of all this significance at the time, I ended up mourning the end before the end even came. On a daily scale this happens to me a lot. Because I am so aware of how temporal experiences are and how quickly beautiful realities are lost I cherish too tightly, the good things as they happen, to the point where I am missing those realities before they are gone. Does that makes sense? In short, I experience my present in terms of a memory.
Looking back, I think this odd quality in me is an overcompensation that developed subconsciously when, beginning as a very young person, I listened very carefully to old people telling me to appreciate my youth and to never take it for granted. To appreciate the good in your life, because once it is gone, that specific good is gone forever. That each good experience us unique and precious. I think their words hit a little too deep, because it sent me on this course of living, that to be quite honest, I am not too thrilled about. But then, there is of course a flip side. And I really do like that flip side, almost as much as the other side annoys me.
The flip side is that I do feel that I am fully aware of just how many areas of my life are to be cherished and counted as precious. And just as the oldies commanded me to do, I do appreciate the fact that I am in what's considered the "prime of my life." And it does feel good to be so aware of the constant flow of good things happening because it makes me look forward to the good things to come as well. And being grateful of the moment as it is happening also puts me in a place to share my appreciation for those around me instead of after the fact. So there's that. There is that really good flip side, but there is still a "but" and I am not quite sure what to do with that.
I think that I am troubled by this quirk in recent days because lately, experiencing my present as a memory is making me sad. The idea of my present good realities being no more in the distant future is just a little too much for me to handle. Similar to the grieving I felt that July, but different because this time, the projection of loss is not a phase of life but rather the fear of losing a someone.
While falling asleep against the person I am in love with, I am so overwhelmed by how good I feel that I find myself tipping onto the side of sadness because I know that at some point, this intense good will be no more. The weight to take it all in, to truly appreciate the now, to mark moments down in my memory for when they are gone, is a weight that sometimes feels crushing. Although, I'm not sure if I want to let go of that weight either.